Am I Wrong?

Today is the 5th day isolated due to covid and even thought I had a pretty chill week, with a couple boring moments but nothing extreme, I spent tthis day a little sad and lonely. I could spent an hour with my friends when doing things for college on videocall but I missed my boyfriend really really much, but I didn't text him because I don't wanna become dependent on him and I don't wanna be that type of gf that doesn't let him have a life.

However, an hour ago I called him and we talked for 30 min and during all the time he was playing his game with people and of course I didn't mind because he was having fun and trying to talk to me at the same time so he was doing an effort. But eventually, he asked me if we could continue the conversation later cause he couldn't focus on his game while talking to me, but as soon as he finished his game he would call me back. The thing is, I got sad cause since yesterday he has not been available to talk to me cause he was busy or he didn't charge his phone and I don't like cutting coversations in the middle.

I know there are bigger problems in the world and the more I try not ot me possessive and suffocating towards him, the more I can't just move on and understand his side. 

Right now, he wants to call me but honestly, I dont wanna talk to him. I feel like he putted me in the backgroud and I dont't like feeling that way.

I'm gonna use this time to focus on god and pray, that may help.

-Blue

Future

 So, its been a couple months in 2022 and i m trying my best this year. Honestly, its been quite of a ride because I ve actually put in the work that I promised myself to put at the begin as concern of putting myself first and doing everything I can to make it. I ve of course made mistakes already and I violated the promises that I did to myself on january 1st but i one thing i learned is that we should not make promises based on our interests are in the moment, bc they can change and you dont where you are going ti be tomorrow. Si unless is something that is really really what you want, you should not make any promise or you will ended up being disappointed.

So, I broke up with my girlfriend after 1 year of relationship as a part of a deal that i did to myself, which is putting myself and my mental health first. Since the beginning we ve always argue and got to a point where I felt like I was the way I was, not because I had already lots of problems, but bc of her, i got lots ofproblems. Everything started as something natural but in fact this relationship was born in the middle of a crises that both of us were dealing with so we put forces together and fought but ended up attacking each other and since my suicide attempt I felt like I wanted to move on and actually start a brand new fresh chapter and I feel like I did but the laast thing that was making me not feel confortable and free and hopeful to the future was this relationship that I was with a person that tried to help me and did everything she could, but at the same time I exposed myself too much and gave her every little thing and detail too soon. Undoubtebly, this was the best decision because the moment we broke up, and after the time I was dealing and grieving, I actually start feeling good, with my life, my friends, and could finally only persue my dream body and dreams without thinking that someone would make me stop persuing them because I had to also have in consideration their dreams and goals to.

Moving foward, right now i m a lil mess. I m getting to point where I feel anxious and I wanna get out of here and actually persue what I alwayes wanted, music in the US and college as been something that more more I hate and I dont thing that nursing is actually something that I wanna do for the rest of my life. 

A lot of people around me gave up and all of them say that they felt better afterwards but thing is, If I gave up, where would I go? My answer its pretty clear, but the solutions for the problems that come with it, are the real problems. I dont actually know how would the money I have to day would only be enoigh for lke 2 months and I dont know if I could work there or not. I dont have contacts there, I dont have nothing. 

What make me still be doing the degree? Future. Honestly, I hate studing, I hate memorizing things like this. But I dont know what can happen in a blink of an eye since I feel like we might be heading into a war. With the Ukrain and Russia war, I feel like it can spread out to the rest of the world and its not going to be musicians of performers that can save the world or in we ended up with a huge crises like in the 30s or 40s, at least i know I will always be useful and every skill I learn it has to be make by people and not machines or anything like that. So, thats why I dont give on this. 

What plans to I have better than this to my life?

I wanna have life where I can make a significant amount of money for me to have a house decorated like I want, drive the cars that I want, have a number of children of my choice and still be able to provide them with the best, and last but not least, have the opportunity to travel the world and meet incredible people that I grow up looking up to.

2 ways to have this is actually, being an artist or being a Professional Forex Trader, which I really enjoy. You know, Kris Jenner is one of my favorite person because she can actually be a manager, a mom, a grandmother, a parter, a friend to their kids and still be iconic and fashionable and hilarious even with 60+ years old. Thats the type of goal I have after my main, being happy, with a family and my kids by my side.

Can I do it? I dont kno but one thing I ve been trying to put inside is the belief that "If we see it, if we believe it than we can have it". Let me say it, its on baby

- Blue