Isolation

 A few weeks from starting college, I still feel that are things that I need to do and mindsets that I need to accomplish so I can start this new journey fully committed. 

So this week I m going to leave social media and any type of internet. Yes, I will watch some Netflix and TV but only after 9 pm. I wanna feel that I get really committed and have no excuses for these projects that I have and I have always good excuses for not doing them.

In a week from now, I will give my testimony on how this mini project went.

The rules are simple:

-Don't use the internet on my phone or pc other than using to search for music or something like that;

-Use always the essential apps;

-No social media and YT(i can use it but for only fl studio tutorials);

- Avoid going to my phone as much as I can.

Now, let's write what I want to accomplish this week:

-Dieting and drinking 3L a day.

-Doing cardio 30 min every day;

- Read books;

-Work on my first song;

-Pray every day and listen to some podcasts;

- Feel good with me and break the addiction for social media.

I really want to see how can I improve psychologically and understand that our phones are really damaging our lives right under our noses.

-Blue

Scared

 I don't know what to write. I have been finally accepting myself and I m working on a better version of my self physically and emotionally. But now the anxiety is increasing cause it's almost time to go to college. To go to a course that takes lots of time and I know it's not going to be easy. Especially if one of my colleagues doesn't make it there. 

My anxiety from being in public it's getting a little better but worse at the same time. I kinda get paranoid inside of stores but I'm trying to deal with it, in the best way possible. 

THE more I get to know about the course and what it takes to actually do it, it kinda makes me scared if what I m doing is the right thing.  I don't like studying things that I don't like at all and I know that If I m going to enter college I need to enter with a positive mindset, and right now, I just can't. I'm not excited as I expected, I'm not happy either. I feel that is the right move and the safest one to do but also I'm afraid that I "forget" too much about my music in a way that without even noticing because of how busy I am, I just get distracted and lose precious time out of my music. Right now, I feel my body is about to split up cause one side of me whats to go to college because thinks it's the right thing to do, but the other half wants to just, drop out of everything. Take my own things and go to the USA or Canada and try to pursue a career independently, even though I don't know how, where, and how can I afford everything.

At the end I know it's the "right side" that will win because most of all, I don't have the balls to make an unresponsible movement like that and I'd be afraid of have taken the wrong step and lost an opportunity to become a nurse, and even though it's not my dream, still is better compared to working in a store or as a cashier for the rest of my life.

-Blue

 

Healing but still hurting

 It's been a couple of days since my last post. I don't think I've spent that much time writing what basically I was feeling. 2 hours that for sure made me think about lots of things, but mainly made some of my wounds heal, not all of them as I wished but, some, and that's okay.

I knew I was hurting, but I never thought that I would be so bad like that. I had never put so much effort to hold up the tears and be strong. Do you know the feeling when your mind just makes your cry uncontrollably but still you fight to keep the tears inside that that makes your throat hurt? Well, that's how I was. I still don't know if I made the best decision, to not cry. It's impressive the powerful of crying. It heals you emotionally in a way that it's even magical. I never had a problem with crying, but I have to think that I need to cry for something that its worthy to cry for. 

Talking about what I m feeling right now. I just don't know, Lately, I have been thinking a lot in God and more and more I have been wanting to follow Him, and actually, when I need some help emotionally, I go ask for advice to the pastors from Church Home and they help me a lot. I think, from the moment I was hurting this much and got to a breakpoint I started to look a lot to my life and how I m spending it. 

I realized that I've been taking too much time out of my free time to think about the future and dream instead of actually doing something. Plus, with the idea of running away or even worst, having suicidal thoughts, made me want to take risks. I think bc I m watching The 100 and Octavia and all those badass characters gave me the strength to fight a little bit more. I decided that I want to realize one of my dreams, go skydiving, and if I liked it even do a course so I could do skydiving alone, in other countries when I traveled.  Since I don't have the money for it yet, it will take maybe another year, but that's something that I've been really excited about.

Once I saw a post saying: "When you are thinking about killing yourself, you don't want to kill yourself, you want to kill something inside of you". I never thought that a sentence had the power to my life. In fact, every day when I consider that option, I never have the completely sure of it and actually, I know I don't want to do it, bc I want to do so many things in my life yet. It's incredible when you find something that it's obvious but when transform into words make all the difference. From that moment on, Every time I consider even that possibility, that post comes to my mind and immediately I realize that I don't want to do it, I just want to make that particularly feeling go away. I just want to heal. By realizing what the problem is, I can work directly in the source of the problem to make it disappear and make me feel better.

Unfortunately, I still feel a little sad and stressed with everything I've been through, and yesterday something happened that made me realize even more the source of the problem. This last year, with quarantine I have been doing lots of weight loss projects since I m starting college in a few weeks and I wanted to enter having confidence in myself and my own skin, and for that, I felt that I needed to lose weight. Food had become one of the tools that I use as an excuse for being bored or not wanting to start something, like music. I don't know why, but every day I wake up feeling that I m going to start making the music but then I ended up in the final of the day, saying "Tomorrow is really going to happen"...and keeps on a cycle... And with that made eat more because If I m eating than I have an excuse for not working on my music. It's like I m afraid of starting, of taking the first step. It won't hurt, but I think in my subconscious I m afraid of failing, so I just keep avoiding, so I won't be hurting that much. as if I would If I tried and failed.

Anyways, bc of my relationship with food, I've been not losing the weight that I wanted. Yesterday I went to the mall to buy new clothes for college. I was really excited about an outfit that I saw online. When I enter the store, went to the fitting room. The set didn't look good on me cause my legs and tights are thick, big. I felt defeated at that moment. Then I tried some pants that I liked it, again, I didn't feel good on it. I honestly felt really sad. Then I went to another store and I tried some pants that I wanted to buy and didn't fit me again...another store and they didn't have my number... another store, they had my number but the pants were too long and I m only 5ft3, so I m not that tall so I look bigger than probably someone with the same BF but taller. While I was waiting to enter the fitting room, for the first time in my life I experienced anxiety from being in public. I never understood why people felt like everyone was looking at them but now I do. I felt the smallest person in the world. I felt everyone was judging me, looking at me. I tried another outfit and didn't fit me, again. I hold up my tears so hard that I don't even know how I didn't have a breakdown at that moment. I guess when you try to be strong to many times you suddenly start to be good at it. 

Everything got worse when I was in this store with my mom. She was already pissed cause she wanted me to try some clothes but I didn't cause 1. They were not my style .2. I didn't wanna go to the fitting room again and realize how fat I am and how nothing fits me, literally. Then she wanted for me to try some pants that I liked but this store, bc of covid , had their fitting rooms temporarily shut. So my mom told me to try the pants anyways in the corner of the store. The thing is that she speaks loud without even realizing so I told her to be quiet cause she was too loud. She immediately raises her voice even louder and tells me that I can't tell her to be quiet in a threatening way. Everyone around us started to look at me and immediately I wanted to just leave. I realized that one of the sources of feeling some of the things that I feel is my mom. She doesn't realize what I've been through. Her values and principles are not like mine. She sacrificed a lot, as a single mother, for me and my siblings to have the best she could give us. But now I realize that because she was trying to give us the best things and the best conditions, we weren't loved as a child should be. We were forced to grow faster than other kids and we were raised based on the authority and not love. I think that's why talking about feelings and emotions is a tabu in our house. Even though all of this, yes, my mom was born in a different era and it is impossible for her to have the same values as me and understand the concept of mental health, that's why she doesn't understand what I feel with my body image and how her words affect me and my well being. Unfortunately, I feel that I can't speak to her about this theme, and any other actually. 

I'll never blame my mom for not giving what we needed the most. It's not her fault. She used all the time she had for us and herself to work and make sure we had everything like the other kids with 2 parents, even if that meant making some uncurable wounds in not only her kids but herself too. I know she did her best at the end of the day. That's why I try my best to keep everything inside and not explode with her cause I would be saying thing that later I would regret, and there is no other thing that can hurt more than words do. Sometimes what we are feeling can make us feel good at the moment for saying them but then make us regret later. Sometimes what we feel doesn't match what is right. 

So I bared it so she doesn't have to. My relationship with my mom and my sibling is not like it was 1 year ago. Mostly because of me and my decision of wanting to make people respect me, fight for my causes, and follow my principles even if that would cost the relationships that I had in my life with them and which they are the most important of my life. Now I see how different we are from each other and how they can make me feel good but also the worse. Honestly, I don't see any future in our relationship. I will help my mom when she needs it but I just feel that every day we are losing ourselves more and more and eventually, one day we won't be feeling anything for each other. That breaks my heart. Everyone can change. Even if I believe that too much damage was made already in every single one of us, I will stick to my motto and have faith.

-Blue

my demons are real

 Yap, it's been 4 months... again... since my last update.

Idk what is up with me this year, I just have been so intrusive. I m trying to fight my own demons inside and trying to deal with them by myself instead of doing what this blog has the purpose on and that is, talk about what I m dealing with. This year it's been so much different that I don't know where to start or what today. This year might be best in some aspects of my life, but the worst in many others.

I think I should start from the point I was in April when I posted my last update. 

May was a weird month. The world turned upside down with the events that happened with George Floyd. All the Black Lives Matters Movement, made everyone stick together as a nation but also getting to know the worst that we have in our world. Racism is present all over the world in many ways. In the way we see, the way we think and in the way we act. Without realizing we follow a pattern that we learned since the moment we were born. 

I had an experience that month that made me realize how messed up this world is and made me realize how a single act can turn our point of view, without us wishing that to happen  

I was walking my dog.  and passed right next to 2 black guys and they looked at me. After some minutes, I realized they started running towards me. I found it weird but I was always thinking that I cannot let the skin of their color change my mind and believe they were going to do something to be just because they looked suspicious. I always defended racism and I would stand up to someone who was being attacked by race meanings, so I tried to be different and fight towards my guts and believe they were not a threat. My guts were right after I turned to a street full of people, they looked at me and fast they kept going and get back to the place they were sitting the moment they saw me initially. 

It's ridiculous, but after this experience, I got so much afraid of black people that dressed like them or acted like them. The following weeks, were a nightmare. When I went walking my dog again, I was afraid of every corner, every black person. Everyone looked like them. I was feeling anxious, having panic attacks, sweating. I did not only felt unsafe in my own hometown where I grow up for the last 18 years but I was also ashamed of myself bc the only bad experience I had with black people, it was so powerful that changed a belief that I had built for the last 17 years. With this experience came doubts. Came the feeling of pressure, the feeling of disorientation. In my head I had only one question: "Why are this people around the world fighting for justice and for their rights, and then people of their own ethnic do stuff like this and maybe the next day, they go to a parade and complain that they don't have rights?". I know, I should be asking the same question for white serial killers and rapists and everything. But this question made me awake for days. I couldn't figure out an answer. I still can't.

June came, I was still struggling, but getting better every day. I was feeling more and more pressure and my finals were closed. I kept giving my best, I did my best. I got to say goodbye to my class. Either to the people, I have been around for the last 3 years, either to those who were with me for the last 6 years and even 12 years. However, I didn't go to what it was my final day of high school. I felt that I have already said goodbye to my school. I think it would be worse If I went to the official last day. I was feeling the need to move on and that was the way I thought it was the best at that moment. My last memories were made out of joy and not tears. In my last Zoom call with my full class, I looked at every single one of them and I could say goodbye to everyone silently. All the good memories I had on my head and no one could take them from me anymore. 

July has finally arrived. My finals were taken. I had a good mark, I think I could get better but, we can always do. It was enough anyway, so I was good. I started working out, feeling my body changed. But not for too long.

August started and everything started being worse. My mom started her holidays so she stayed more time at home. It's cool to have her more around but that means, both of us that have a strong personality, we will eventually fight more and argue more. My diet was messed up, My schedule was messed up. My priorities were switched up. In fact, I realized that I got to a point that, I adapted. I realized I felt better being alone, by myself. I could figure it out more when I was alone. 

Otherwise, when I m around her, she always gives this talk that I'll become an excellent nurse. I'll be successful with it. Especially this last month that I applied to nursing school and she knows I have really good grades and for sure I will join in. I try to understand her. I try to don't judge her, don't sound ungrateful. But is it bad that I feel so bad about my success and praying to not enter? I  got to a point where I try to not look excited with anything about nursing cause even If I do, my mom will believe that this dream of mine is just a phase and I m wrong. She always thinks that I m still this little girl that doesn't know how to do things. She prefers making jokes saying that I m still a baby because I don't feel comfortable doing some stuff that persons with my age, do it daily instead of supporting me and giving me the strength to actually do it. I'm tired.

Becoming a nurse takes so much time our of mine that I know I won't be able to give everything I want to make music. To pursue my dreams. I also feel that I m not good enough to become one either. I have all this gear that I bought and still, I haven't use it properly to do even one song. Not because I don't have the knowledge, nowadays we have so much info online that that is a really bad excuse. 

I feel stuck and I m watching the clock running. I feel stuck between a career that everyone is excited for me to take and a career that is my DREAM to take but I m so afraid to battle on my own. After so many years listening to my sister saying I m not good enough, and my mom not believing in mt talent and that this is what I REALLY want. You start to believe in them. You start to believe that you can't be better and achieve what others have, you believe it's impossible too. Bc at the end of the day, you believe that only other people have the right to achieve their dreams. You don't. Every mistake you made, you are now taking the price of them. I either want to achieve what I want, but my fear is strong. I m afraid to fail even if I try. I m afraid to get out of my comfort zone. For all the judging, being vulnerable for all that judgment, especially by people that I know and I love. It's easier for people to believe in us when we achieve something, but right now I m in a hole with only one hand to pull me out, my only friend's hand that believes in me, but still. Do I want to get out of here or not? I don't feel strong to fight anyone that tells me no. I m not strong enough to try till I die. But the vision of being unhappy in the future is even scarier. And no one notices me. Not my mother who has been a victim of the effects of depression by my dad's experience. No one sees me. No one understands me. Everyone is so excited for me and I'm not. They don't believe in me, Neither Do I.

Sometimes I wished my dad was here. Sometimes I feel the consequences of not having a male figure around. My mom did everything she could and her best, but the truth is there are values, believes that I need to get around me. A hug that I don't get for almost a year. I need to feel the love like I used to feel when I was little and feel the warmth of her arms during her snuggles. Because of my dad's situation, I was raised inside of shelter full of love and protection bc I was the little. When you grow up, people think that you don't need that anymore. What they don't know is that I m still the same little girl looking for answers of what went wrong and scared of the darkness, of the unknown. 

Inside of a playful attitude, a smily attitude, and a peaceful mind as it is shown, there is a girl full of bruises and being eaten inside by her own demons, doubt, fear, past, mistakes. In the last years, I've been transforming myself. I grow up and started to follow what I wanted and not what people used to say. From my mom trying to control what I do to me struggling with all these different emotions, I have become what I didn't want. A person that is not true to herself and keeps living in a reality that she makes up in her head every day and night. In fact, it's actually better to imagine than make it happen. You don't get hurt, you don't get judge. The bad of it is that you actually stop living your life and limit following what is easier to follow, the path that others have built for you. 

I got to a point where my only wish was run away. Pack my stuff and one day, run. Without telling anyone and leave. Start again in another country, a new identity, a new story. I m struggling really bad, part of it because the people I m surrounded every day. I think because I was born in an environment where being really sad or even depressed is a "phase" for my relatives or a way for them to joke with it. More and more I realize the importance of value our emotions and not being afraid of them. I realized over the past few years that being true to ourselves and to what we feel and share that to others, will only help not only us but everyone around us to understand us, to deal with us, to know how to live around us. I feel that I'm so much different from the people I live with and from the environment that I was raised on and everything that was taught to me. I got to a point where I don't know if I should hide my true identity and go on with the trends, or if I should show my true colors with the high risk of pushing everyone away because I don't feel anyone is like me or even understands me. However, Let's face it, I would not have the same opportunities I would if I stayed here. The best option for me right now stays here. Keep tryin' to depend on god and learn how to do it, and fight alone- Hiding my emotions until one day I get help to get rid of them inside of me. Until then, the closest way to have privacy and still share my feelings is here and only here.

-Blue

2020: April

Yes. It's been 4 months since my last post. No, I wasn't busy, I just wasn't feeling in the mood to do it.

So, Where can I begin.

2020 it's not been the year I imagined. I m not going to be dramatic and say that it's the worst year of my life but it's not the best one either.

2020 started with bad news. There was an outbreak going on in China that infected thousands and killed someone. But at that time we didn't care, cause it was too far away from here.

Meanwhile, the world got devasted by one of the saddest news. Kobe Bryant's Death. And to make it worst, his little girl Gianna was also on the plane. Honestly, I did not know him, I knew that he was this huge NBA player but I never got the chance to see him shine and do his best and his contribution to the world until his death. It's kinda sad that someone needs to die to give them the attention they deserved. On the plane were also killed GiGi mates, some of their parents, and her coach. It's really sad to see these people's lives getting destroyed in a few seconds. It made me think about what I've been doing with my life and my dream.

After that, I just clicked. I knew that I did not want to waste my life doing something I did not like it. So I got in touch with this studio next to my house, to try to see if they would give me an opportunity to make music and start my dream. They gave me the chance to audition for them. I sent the videos they wanted. I never got an answerback.

I started to feel really sad and depressed. I didn't know what to do more. I was not happy with my life and I was struggling cause my time was running out since I only had a few months before starting college. I was at the bottom.

Grammy's happened. Demi performed Live for the 1st time in the last 2 years. It was emotional, the last time I cried like that, I did it when she sang "Sober" in Rock in Rio Lisbon 2018. Plus, Billie Eilish and Finneas bring the house and got 7 grammy's from her album. It's insane.

Superbowl happened. JLo and Shakira Killed that half time show. Unfortunately, the 49ers lost.

During all those things. I paid to go to my senior prom.

After this, the worse happen. The virus spread to the world. And Got here. It's COVID-19.
I never thought things like this were ever going to happen. The truth is on 12th March, the government announced the School's close. The impossible happened!
Looking back, I never thought that my last school day ever was on 13th March due to having to be in quarantine. I never thought that were my last moments with my mates. Probably the last time I would see them. It's kinda sad when we don't have the chance to say goodbye.

And yeah. Today is 22nd April and we have been in quarantine for over a month. We didn't stop, we have to do a lot of work at home but it's weird.

Last year, around this time, I was praying for God to give me an opportunity to work on my music. To free me from my toxic friend. To give me a chance even if just time. The truth is, he did.
Yeah, I m kinda lazy at school but I have time to work on my music to stay home the way I wanted. It's unimaginable his power.

Also, because of all the virus thing, there has not been much CO sent to the sky and space. The planet got much more time. Unfortunately, we had to suffer for it.

Today I am planning to build a home studio to make music. I wasted to much time waiting for a miracle to happened and I wanna try. I wanna make sure that when I get to my 30, I don't regret being a nurse. Because At the end of the day, I did my best with music but it was not my path. That's probably my biggest fear. Don't have tried hard enough.

With the gyms close for at least 2 months, without a Senior Prom or any trip, I could get enough money to buy everything I need. Billie did her entire album and songs on his brother's bedroom. My dream it's not done. I may only have a 0.00001% possibility to achieve my dream, but I want to make sure I did my best. Until I get officially into college I have 5 months. I wanna make them worth it. If this is going nowhere, at least I wanna make this investment the reason why I get fun and smile every day.

-Blue

2019 rewind

It's been 5 days since 2020 started and I 've been reflecting on the last year. and let me just say.

2019 was quite a year! Because it was probably the best year because of the experiences I got through I wanted to describe monthly what happened so lately I can come back and see what a wonderful year this was.

January: I sold my very first guitar, my little baby, that was by my side since 2014 on 16/01.
               I also bought my first acoustic guitar which I don't regret it at all!
               I did my very FIRST TATTOO behind the ear. (That was probably the most exciting thing about the WHOLE year!)
               I and my classmate won the badminton tournament of our school.

February: I did for the FIRST TIME my eyebrows. It was something that I always wanted but my mom used to tell me that hurt like hell and I should get them done when I become older cause once I did the first time, I need to keep doing them 4ever. (it didn't hurt as I thought it would be, but yes it hurts a little bit, but In order to save money and pain I get them done usually weekly so I don't have to get wax often haha)
                 I met one of my greatest friends. We met on the bus and ever since we have been talking a lot. I don't know if this friendship is going to be more than that, cause he is super cute, super smart, has some things that I don´t like much that he does and honestly, I don´t wanna ruin the fantastic friendship we have.
                 I did a tour at the hospital to get to know the nurse's work, and I found out that most of the nurses are a pain in the ass. They hate their job and most of them were a little bit mean. It kinda drove me crazy for a while, I confess.
                 I started to study for my final exams(got some "critics" because, in other's view, it was too soon to start studying, however, I still got "great" marks.)
                 I did a pretty cool gift for a friend of mine. Some papers with messages so she could read one every day. ( update: she just stopped talking to me cause she just changed me to her new friend aka my bitch who changed me too in 2018, as if I was some panties)(basically, they all used me somehow)

March: I got really upset with my teacher cause we did this presentation and I had the most amazing presentation ever, I did my best but because we have never done something like the thing he asked for, and because I was the first one to do it, I did ONE mistake that cost me a perfect score. I definitely learned something from it.
             I got to know more about UCLA and started to dream about studying there(and than my dreams were crushed when I found out that I needed about 60k$/year to study there...there is a big FAT no for me, sadly)

April:  I went on a trip with my class to see rocks and crystals. It was pretty funny but also boring(the trip took us 2 hours to get there)
           I studied like hell during my Easter Holidays.

May:  I had the most TERRIFIED experience of the all year, I did TREE CLIMBING. It was a whole experience because I m afraid of heights and I actually been there before in 2015 but I could not do it since I was REALLY REALLY SCARED. Thanks to my friend, she pushed me through all the way and I actually did it, I could not believe it when I finished everything. I not only won against my fear but I also pushed some boundaries and I got to know that I have much more upper body strength than I thought. (just between us, I want to go there and try again)

June: I said goodbye to my best teacher ever, my English teacher. I didn't cry, cause at 8AM during my first and last class of Physics and Chemistry with my old lady teacher, I just went out of stock with my tears but, I wanted too.
          I did my final exams, finally!
         My little puppy turned one😭
July:  I got MAD, after 6 whole months studying and giving my best, I didn't get the grades I wanted.
          I welcomed our brand new puppy. He is the sweetest.
          I joined the gym.

August: I followed my friend's knee surgery. I worked on my music a lot, I wrote a song but I haven't finished.
             We had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant, it was delicious.

              I went for the 1sr time to a trampoline park called Quantum Park

September: I started my SENIOR YEAR OF HS. With new teachers, a "new" class. It didn't go as planned since my motivation was not that good but I tried.
                     I turned 17 y/o.

October: I did my first presentation, I cried cause I was too nervous and I was not emotionally. stabilized.
                I did some math work and I got a perfect score. I did a math test that was going to give me later a GREAT mark.
                I bought my first supplements ever for the gym.
November: I bought BCAA's and Omega-3.
                   
December: I did my Biology presentation and another presentation that I almost got a perfect score but again, my teacher demands a lot from me so, I guess he doesn't wanna give me the 20 until I can read his thoughts.
                   I tried a new volleyball skill during my EF classes and my teacher is literally my #1 fan.
                   Me and my sibling made a surprise to our mother giving her the Pandora she always wanted...she cried, so I think we got it right haha.
                 

So as it seems, I had a really tough year but also full of new experiences and challenges. I gave up a lot, I know that but in this new year, a new decade I am going to give everything for my own sake.

This year is going to be different. It's going to be a year where a lot changes will happen, I will have to get off my comfort zone. So it's going to be a year that I will dedicate for myself. To be better, to get to know more about me, to try to reach my goals, my BIG dream. The music.
I think it will be hard to face every kind of challenge, there may be. Í will do my best. Work for me, work for my life

-Blue