6 MONTH VISION July - Dec ´26

 Here I am....kinda lost but living already some of the "dreams" of the vision board....doing this new 6 month focus in my new house.

So for the last 6 months I have been through some things and failed some:

- Lost commitment;

- Procrastination

- Lustful actions weekly

- Envy and anger towards people;

- Fell into legalism;

- Not in control of my feelings;

- Never be consistent in diet. 

- Lost my love for God 

- Not be responsibile with my finances

For the last 6 months I have done pretty amazing and bad things but what I can do now is look what I can change and do better for the last 6 months:

- Never be consistent in diet and Lost commitment: think before deciding if you wanna do something or not - incluiding what is the price for doing it. 

- Procrastination: medidate and envision where you wanna be in the next 6 months 

- Lustful actions weekly: get up and play some worship music to praise the lord. 

- Not in control of my feeling, envy and anger towards people: pray for God to take out the feeling of my heart

- Lost my love for God  and Fell into legalism: study the bible and what God IS TRULY.

- Not be responsibile with my finances: make budget and follow with it. 

- Gossip: leave the room!

- BLUE

Journal 03/07/2026

 Today is friday and Portugal just passed to 8th finals and I celebrated along with Marg., Marc., Alex and Eliz.
It has been weird....because I have been wanting to be closer with my co workers and not my church friends. Feel so distant from church...also because I got hurt by some people there and I just don't want to be with them anymore...plus...it feels like I have fallen into legalism so I previledge more the culture rather then God or Christ.

The truth is....the lack of confidence due to the way I look thus the value that people in church give me makes me not want to be where I am not valued. I think it's legit. Truth being told....maybe everything I know about God is throught my church lens and not the true gospel and the relationship I have with Him.

I ve opened up with Djeo and Dani, onde of the leader, but I just don't know...i can't serve...feel ashamed for it. I don't want to do it. Don't feel good about it...being exposed in front of everyone. I decided not going to SC this summer since I have promised to myself that I would never be back to SC with the same fat body that I had previously so....that's the goal. 

-BLUE

2026 mid-term

 Hello me from the actual version...

1 year has passed and i just lived an entire lifetime of experiences...

- Graduated....went to SC....started my career as a nurse in the same place I graduated....4 days later got into Neonatology...the dream it self.

After 2 weeks of it I left because I didn't feel good, at home, pleased and happy in doing what I was doing comparing with psyco....weird huh?

After that, went to a solo trip to alentejo trying to find my innerpeace again...or understand why God let me go to my dream job to me to get back to psych after 3 weeks. Till this day I know it has something to do with Jonas and Ninive...but I still don't know which of the places is ninive... Got covid again, lost Di. from cancer and passed my first christmas working night shift.

End of the year, last meeting, got convicted and inspired by a girl's church testemony on buying her house on her own...so I made that a goal with God and 4 months later I bought myself my very first home...a T3 at a quiet and peaceful place...exactly what I wanted and the whole experience was crazier than ever. During the process Encounter 26 happened, served on the best reunion ever...started to get more envolved in MS church and even got invited to talk in the offer. Everything "seemed" to go great right?

It isn't - along side the beautiful side - I have been living a dark season as well. Never been this heavier...97kg.... loss all my confidence...barely fit in my own clothes anymore. I can tell the difference on how people talk and interact to me...now i get barely scheduled to serve on the "main church" (yes, the same place I dedicated myself for 4 years). Experienced bad moves from leaders, got disappointed by my great example M.D. during her farwell and she being away really pulled me out of having an "example" to follow. My friends didn't help me at all with the moving to the new house...as I expected them too. Feel left out, invisible yet visible. Decided today that I am not going to SC 26 because I truly don't feel good about myself and since I have 2 weddings in september i don't want to be fat and unfit or unsexy....specially because I will be singing at both.  (another thing that it's upseting me a lot right now...is that even though I was on of the pilars of Sofia and David's starting to date ...i didn't get invited as a bridesmaid and that made me really sad and unapreciated...specially because sofia's have been for the past year and half a lot of gaslighting and I hate it so much. So i kinda don't want to sing at her wedding but at the same time i know declining that , would make things so worse between our friend group) 

- Love life: there is a new guy called João that was one of the last interns at my current workplace and me and I got the greatest chemistry and i literally felt like falling in love and everytime i m with him i can't stop smiling like....falling in love ...but he is not a christian i think and that makes me feel not good because apart from being in love with someone that got church hurt but i know for longer time and i have been with him more time...he is omeone that i met 4 months ago and been with 2 handful of times...and only at workplace environment so...ya, don't think i like him but the idea of him.

On the other side, I have been cathing feelings for Manu...he is a friend from church...he got hurt 2 years ago and from that moment on he left and never came back, Tried to make him comeback but he was just hurt....and now that i lso got hurt i can understand him better and incluinding I saw him on rock in rio 26 (yes i went to RIR  for the 1st time this year) and i felt so good being with him...like i can truly trust him a part from joão.

ANyways...i don't know if i m being "in love " with them because i wanna feel love and valued or that i trully like them.

- BLUE

Feeling Lost .....due to being away

 Honestly, i don't know why I am coming back here.

I journal, I talk with people, I talk and I am everything everyone is expecting, but the only place where I can be myself is here.

I feel the freedom here....behind a screen...under a name that is unrecognizable.

Probably I won't ever show this blog to anyone besides me, myself and God....but today i felt the urge to come here to journal.

I am on my last month of nursing school and I couldn't be more proud of who I became, how I became and what I lived throughout these amazing and intense 5 years. Even thought I am excited for this new season, I have been feeling the most depressive and lost I have ever been in the last few months. I don't know why it started...and even though I have been feeling proud of myself since I haven't m.stb. in awhile, still it doesn't feel like a victory since I am far away from God....

The more I am next to people from "the world" such as my workplace aka internship, the more I get influenced by them and it is so exausting to be always against the ways of the world. It drains you being always in a spiritual war with other's people spirit. I haven't done a proper bible study i believe in like a month. 

Also, I am super frustrated at myself because it's summer time and ONCE AGAIN...for the fifth year ... I am carrying a body that I don't love, that I truly tried to change but I can't. This aligned to the fact that i have been feeling under pressure by myself since I don't know why, I feel like I am always searching for "the one". I have been doing my sabbath year and it has been really really good, but I though by far I would be in a different place in my life. Instead I am still 88kg, like someone that don't like me back. I don't feel comfortable being myself and keep wanting to be a people's pleasure. 

I truly feel so ashamed of myself that I feel unworthy to even be called a child of god or to be next to him. I know this is what satan wants for us...be away from his presence, even tho. is what gives us the strenght to keep going. 

I have 124 days until I turn 23....I WANT TO BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF 23 Y/O GIRL.

How to do it?

BE NEXT TO GOD. Just that simple. What pleases him, I want to be pleased doing it. What he values, I want to value. What he choses, I want to chose. 

For the following 38 days I will have a goal ... get down to 79kg by 4th of July...the freedom date.

JESUS TAKE ME HOME!

- BLUE

Back at it again!

 Damn.... I don't know how to write again all of this. 

Reading everything that I have been through and thinking to myself this is still here it amazes me. I don't see a finish, I see a beginning.

I would love to write more but I simply forget and I know it's not suppose to be like that since this is the only place where I get to release all my thoughts freely, but still it's hard to do it with the busy lifestyle we have.

So, It's been 7 or 8 months since I last wrote and I don't want to have to update you guys with longggg details because I didnt come back earlier, but well... one last time here we go!

Since October I got to have multiple and challeging experiences;

I got to babysit one of the cutest baby ever, one of my pastor's daughter and opened my eyes to a lot of things. At the same time I got the chance to start singing in the Worship Team of my church for the time and it never stopped. This winter was a hard one because I literally felt the war between me and the enemy but I pulled through it!

I got more involved at my church ministries and I could solve some problems I had with a few people leading me into feeling more free and lighter. 

Started cycling and working out so I could reach my perfect body goal, 60 kg (maybe it's too much, but I accept 65kg). Right now I weight 84kg so we have a LONG journey ahead, but I am confident.

I am trying to become the better version of me and I am going to actually get it this year the MAMBA YEAR '24!

- BLUE

Chapter 21

 WHAT?? 

1 year and half later and I literally remembered about this blog.

It's amazing how I used to write here as a way to being heard.

I feel like I need to update you guys on what is going on. Well, I am 21... I started this blog at 15 (CRAZY) and I stopped at 19. 

So, in the last year EVERYTHING changed. 

Remember that boyfriend? Well, we broke up in November 2022 due to a lot of reasons but mostly because we didnp't have the foundation to support and provide for our relationship. Building a relationship in the sand will never sustain a thunder, so, it fell off and I am single right now!

Don't get me wrong but I have found beuty in singleness, in fact, I have more freedom being single to persue my dreams and career goals instead of focusing on other people's career and goals.

Let's stop talking about that and actually rewind since I last leave you...

July 2022 : I went for the first time to meet my BF's parents and traveled to a religious place for the 2nd time in my life and for his little hometown.

August 2022: I traveled a lot with my BF, his family and his friends. I left home for 2 weeks, but I got so much fun for the first time in years since COVID.

September 2022: We went to a little town with my friends boyfriend, I later met them in my very 1st time traveling alone and I started my Nursing Internship.

October 2022: I gave up on my internship because my nurse was not the best to deal with, went again to his hometown to fresh my head off and just prepared myself for a new internship. I started going to Hillsong Church, alone, with my car .

November 2022: I started internship again, kept going to Hillsong every sunday once at a time, me and my BF broke up and after 2 weeks living together we split and I got back home at 1 am sobbbing and for the first time I felt God's presence.

December 2022: I crashed my car while going to the hospital and one of my patients died, being myself the last one to see her alive. I started going down for the first time in ages.

January 2023: I gave up on Nursing, started working and putting my faith for the 1st time in Jesus about my future.

February 2023: Encounter FEST '23 AMAZING EXPERIENCE - got to meet a lot of importante people and future friends. Started a Digital Marketing Course Online

March 2023: Kept working hard on my workplace, gym, Church, and Youth

April 2023: I got Baptized! Did a leadership course in my church, got more involved with people from hillsong, went to the beach for the 1st time of 2023 and watched the most amazing sunsets.

May 2023: I decided that wanted to start freelancing even if in November I tried and didn't work out, got scammed. I auditioned for worship team after a YTH NIGHT and I GOT IN!

June 2023: Started working as a freelancer officialy and I did lots of study sessions with my friends, finally, I got to see one of my fav. national artists live!

July 2023: Work work work, beach, study and YTH Nights

August 2023: Started other jobs in freelancing, started to invest in my knowledge with lot of books about finance and phychology. Went to a family trip after 18 years and I got TAN. It was an amazing trip to chat with my sister and open our hearts up to each other.

September 2023: SUMMER CAMP! My first ever summercamp and being a christian one was amazing. It started a fire with His presence and damnn I love being a Christian and having a Christian Life! Got back to nursing school and started my internship again. God answered all of my prayers and I got to quit my job in order to work freeelance full time! I TURNED 21 YAYY

Lately, life has been incredible busy but one thing that I know it was that 2023 was a year full of blessings and grattitude. I love my god and the relationship we have today is so good that I can't imagine in a 5 year or 10 year period, where can we be. I love him, I talk to him, I understand him. 

I can't imagine how amazing my life would have been if I gave sooner my life to Christ, but one thing I have learned it was that He calls us at a specific time that He decided when He made us. So it was suppose to happen everything I did so I could be here and appreciate and help other people to go through what I went thorugh,

In the meanwhile, I can understand why I always had empaty towrds everyone situation and the answer to that is Jesus . His father, my father gave me the gift of spirit discerniment and that led me into what I am today. Even in my darkest mistakes I always knew what was going on, the right ansd the worng, the just and unfair.

I will keep journaling but so far I think it is enough.

Welcome to Chapter 21|

- Blue

Am I Wrong?

Today is the 5th day isolated due to covid and even thought I had a pretty chill week, with a couple boring moments but nothing extreme, I spent tthis day a little sad and lonely. I could spent an hour with my friends when doing things for college on videocall but I missed my boyfriend really really much, but I didn't text him because I don't wanna become dependent on him and I don't wanna be that type of gf that doesn't let him have a life.

However, an hour ago I called him and we talked for 30 min and during all the time he was playing his game with people and of course I didn't mind because he was having fun and trying to talk to me at the same time so he was doing an effort. But eventually, he asked me if we could continue the conversation later cause he couldn't focus on his game while talking to me, but as soon as he finished his game he would call me back. The thing is, I got sad cause since yesterday he has not been available to talk to me cause he was busy or he didn't charge his phone and I don't like cutting coversations in the middle.

I know there are bigger problems in the world and the more I try not ot me possessive and suffocating towards him, the more I can't just move on and understand his side. 

Right now, he wants to call me but honestly, I dont wanna talk to him. I feel like he putted me in the backgroud and I dont't like feeling that way.

I'm gonna use this time to focus on god and pray, that may help.

-Blue