Feeling Lost .....due to being away

 Honestly, i don't know why I am coming back here.

I journal, I talk with people, I talk and I am everything everyone is expecting, but the only place where I can be myself is here.

I feel the freedom here....behind a screen...under a name that is unrecognizable.

Probably I won't ever show this blog to anyone besides me, myself and God....but today i felt the urge to come here to journal.

I am on my last month of nursing school and I couldn't be more proud of who I became, how I became and what I lived throughout these amazing and intense 5 years. Even thought I am excited for this new season, I have been feeling the most depressive and lost I have ever been in the last few months. I don't know why it started...and even though I have been feeling proud of myself since I haven't m.stb. in awhile, still it doesn't feel like a victory since I am far away from God....

The more I am next to people from "the world" such as my workplace aka internship, the more I get influenced by them and it is so exausting to be always against the ways of the world. It drains you being always in a spiritual war with other's people spirit. I haven't done a proper bible study i believe in like a month. 

Also, I am super frustrated at myself because it's summer time and ONCE AGAIN...for the fifth year ... I am carrying a body that I don't love, that I truly tried to change but I can't. This aligned to the fact that i have been feeling under pressure by myself since I don't know why, I feel like I am always searching for "the one". I have been doing my sabbath year and it has been really really good, but I though by far I would be in a different place in my life. Instead I am still 88kg, like someone that don't like me back. I don't feel comfortable being myself and keep wanting to be a people's pleasure. 

I truly feel so ashamed of myself that I feel unworthy to even be called a child of god or to be next to him. I know this is what satan wants for us...be away from his presence, even tho. is what gives us the strenght to keep going. 

I have 124 days until I turn 23....I WANT TO BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF 23 Y/O GIRL.

How to do it?

BE NEXT TO GOD. Just that simple. What pleases him, I want to be pleased doing it. What he values, I want to value. What he choses, I want to chose. 

For the following 38 days I will have a goal ... get down to 79kg by 4th of July...the freedom date.

JESUS TAKE ME HOME!

- BLUE

Back at it again!

 Damn.... I don't know how to write again all of this. 

Reading everything that I have been through and thinking to myself this is still here it amazes me. I don't see a finish, I see a beginning.

I would love to write more but I simply forget and I know it's not suppose to be like that since this is the only place where I get to release all my thoughts freely, but still it's hard to do it with the busy lifestyle we have.

So, It's been 7 or 8 months since I last wrote and I don't want to have to update you guys with longggg details because I didnt come back earlier, but well... one last time here we go!

Since October I got to have multiple and challeging experiences;

I got to babysit one of the cutest baby ever, one of my pastor's daughter and opened my eyes to a lot of things. At the same time I got the chance to start singing in the Worship Team of my church for the time and it never stopped. This winter was a hard one because I literally felt the war between me and the enemy but I pulled through it!

I got more involved at my church ministries and I could solve some problems I had with a few people leading me into feeling more free and lighter. 

Started cycling and working out so I could reach my perfect body goal, 60 kg (maybe it's too much, but I accept 65kg). Right now I weight 84kg so we have a LONG journey ahead, but I am confident.

I am trying to become the better version of me and I am going to actually get it this year the MAMBA YEAR '24!

- BLUE

Chapter 21

 WHAT?? 

1 year and half later and I literally remembered about this blog.

It's amazing how I used to write here as a way to being heard.

I feel like I need to update you guys on what is going on. Well, I am 21... I started this blog at 15 (CRAZY) and I stopped at 19. 

So, in the last year EVERYTHING changed. 

Remember that boyfriend? Well, we broke up in November 2022 due to a lot of reasons but mostly because we didnp't have the foundation to support and provide for our relationship. Building a relationship in the sand will never sustain a thunder, so, it fell off and I am single right now!

Don't get me wrong but I have found beuty in singleness, in fact, I have more freedom being single to persue my dreams and career goals instead of focusing on other people's career and goals.

Let's stop talking about that and actually rewind since I last leave you...

July 2022 : I went for the first time to meet my BF's parents and traveled to a religious place for the 2nd time in my life and for his little hometown.

August 2022: I traveled a lot with my BF, his family and his friends. I left home for 2 weeks, but I got so much fun for the first time in years since COVID.

September 2022: We went to a little town with my friends boyfriend, I later met them in my very 1st time traveling alone and I started my Nursing Internship.

October 2022: I gave up on my internship because my nurse was not the best to deal with, went again to his hometown to fresh my head off and just prepared myself for a new internship. I started going to Hillsong Church, alone, with my car .

November 2022: I started internship again, kept going to Hillsong every sunday once at a time, me and my BF broke up and after 2 weeks living together we split and I got back home at 1 am sobbbing and for the first time I felt God's presence.

December 2022: I crashed my car while going to the hospital and one of my patients died, being myself the last one to see her alive. I started going down for the first time in ages.

January 2023: I gave up on Nursing, started working and putting my faith for the 1st time in Jesus about my future.

February 2023: Encounter FEST '23 AMAZING EXPERIENCE - got to meet a lot of importante people and future friends. Started a Digital Marketing Course Online

March 2023: Kept working hard on my workplace, gym, Church, and Youth

April 2023: I got Baptized! Did a leadership course in my church, got more involved with people from hillsong, went to the beach for the 1st time of 2023 and watched the most amazing sunsets.

May 2023: I decided that wanted to start freelancing even if in November I tried and didn't work out, got scammed. I auditioned for worship team after a YTH NIGHT and I GOT IN!

June 2023: Started working as a freelancer officialy and I did lots of study sessions with my friends, finally, I got to see one of my fav. national artists live!

July 2023: Work work work, beach, study and YTH Nights

August 2023: Started other jobs in freelancing, started to invest in my knowledge with lot of books about finance and phychology. Went to a family trip after 18 years and I got TAN. It was an amazing trip to chat with my sister and open our hearts up to each other.

September 2023: SUMMER CAMP! My first ever summercamp and being a christian one was amazing. It started a fire with His presence and damnn I love being a Christian and having a Christian Life! Got back to nursing school and started my internship again. God answered all of my prayers and I got to quit my job in order to work freeelance full time! I TURNED 21 YAYY

Lately, life has been incredible busy but one thing that I know it was that 2023 was a year full of blessings and grattitude. I love my god and the relationship we have today is so good that I can't imagine in a 5 year or 10 year period, where can we be. I love him, I talk to him, I understand him. 

I can't imagine how amazing my life would have been if I gave sooner my life to Christ, but one thing I have learned it was that He calls us at a specific time that He decided when He made us. So it was suppose to happen everything I did so I could be here and appreciate and help other people to go through what I went thorugh,

In the meanwhile, I can understand why I always had empaty towrds everyone situation and the answer to that is Jesus . His father, my father gave me the gift of spirit discerniment and that led me into what I am today. Even in my darkest mistakes I always knew what was going on, the right ansd the worng, the just and unfair.

I will keep journaling but so far I think it is enough.

Welcome to Chapter 21|

- Blue

Am I Wrong?

Today is the 5th day isolated due to covid and even thought I had a pretty chill week, with a couple boring moments but nothing extreme, I spent tthis day a little sad and lonely. I could spent an hour with my friends when doing things for college on videocall but I missed my boyfriend really really much, but I didn't text him because I don't wanna become dependent on him and I don't wanna be that type of gf that doesn't let him have a life.

However, an hour ago I called him and we talked for 30 min and during all the time he was playing his game with people and of course I didn't mind because he was having fun and trying to talk to me at the same time so he was doing an effort. But eventually, he asked me if we could continue the conversation later cause he couldn't focus on his game while talking to me, but as soon as he finished his game he would call me back. The thing is, I got sad cause since yesterday he has not been available to talk to me cause he was busy or he didn't charge his phone and I don't like cutting coversations in the middle.

I know there are bigger problems in the world and the more I try not ot me possessive and suffocating towards him, the more I can't just move on and understand his side. 

Right now, he wants to call me but honestly, I dont wanna talk to him. I feel like he putted me in the backgroud and I dont't like feeling that way.

I'm gonna use this time to focus on god and pray, that may help.

-Blue

Future

 So, its been a couple months in 2022 and i m trying my best this year. Honestly, its been quite of a ride because I ve actually put in the work that I promised myself to put at the begin as concern of putting myself first and doing everything I can to make it. I ve of course made mistakes already and I violated the promises that I did to myself on january 1st but i one thing i learned is that we should not make promises based on our interests are in the moment, bc they can change and you dont where you are going ti be tomorrow. Si unless is something that is really really what you want, you should not make any promise or you will ended up being disappointed.

So, I broke up with my girlfriend after 1 year of relationship as a part of a deal that i did to myself, which is putting myself and my mental health first. Since the beginning we ve always argue and got to a point where I felt like I was the way I was, not because I had already lots of problems, but bc of her, i got lots ofproblems. Everything started as something natural but in fact this relationship was born in the middle of a crises that both of us were dealing with so we put forces together and fought but ended up attacking each other and since my suicide attempt I felt like I wanted to move on and actually start a brand new fresh chapter and I feel like I did but the laast thing that was making me not feel confortable and free and hopeful to the future was this relationship that I was with a person that tried to help me and did everything she could, but at the same time I exposed myself too much and gave her every little thing and detail too soon. Undoubtebly, this was the best decision because the moment we broke up, and after the time I was dealing and grieving, I actually start feeling good, with my life, my friends, and could finally only persue my dream body and dreams without thinking that someone would make me stop persuing them because I had to also have in consideration their dreams and goals to.

Moving foward, right now i m a lil mess. I m getting to point where I feel anxious and I wanna get out of here and actually persue what I alwayes wanted, music in the US and college as been something that more more I hate and I dont thing that nursing is actually something that I wanna do for the rest of my life. 

A lot of people around me gave up and all of them say that they felt better afterwards but thing is, If I gave up, where would I go? My answer its pretty clear, but the solutions for the problems that come with it, are the real problems. I dont actually know how would the money I have to day would only be enoigh for lke 2 months and I dont know if I could work there or not. I dont have contacts there, I dont have nothing. 

What make me still be doing the degree? Future. Honestly, I hate studing, I hate memorizing things like this. But I dont know what can happen in a blink of an eye since I feel like we might be heading into a war. With the Ukrain and Russia war, I feel like it can spread out to the rest of the world and its not going to be musicians of performers that can save the world or in we ended up with a huge crises like in the 30s or 40s, at least i know I will always be useful and every skill I learn it has to be make by people and not machines or anything like that. So, thats why I dont give on this. 

What plans to I have better than this to my life?

I wanna have life where I can make a significant amount of money for me to have a house decorated like I want, drive the cars that I want, have a number of children of my choice and still be able to provide them with the best, and last but not least, have the opportunity to travel the world and meet incredible people that I grow up looking up to.

2 ways to have this is actually, being an artist or being a Professional Forex Trader, which I really enjoy. You know, Kris Jenner is one of my favorite person because she can actually be a manager, a mom, a grandmother, a parter, a friend to their kids and still be iconic and fashionable and hilarious even with 60+ years old. Thats the type of goal I have after my main, being happy, with a family and my kids by my side.

Can I do it? I dont kno but one thing I ve been trying to put inside is the belief that "If we see it, if we believe it than we can have it". Let me say it, its on baby

- Blue

2021´s Throwback

After 1 year and 3 months, I came here. To my secret little cave where I put all these feelings, experiences and thoughts that I wanna hide from the world. So much happenned since I last posted. Literally a year. I  ashamed cause I haven´t update this blog and a lot has passed by. 

Since I last psoted I:

- Joined nursing school, met new people. Got a family. Got some godmothers and godfather. I struggled with mental health a lot. Lost some people, got sad, angry, violent with me and other. 

- I had to deal with the past and the people that are not here with me.

- I had to deal with the present and all the things that I discovered about myself and the way I am towards others.

- Got into a relationship with the person that I m sure is my beloved future wife. I showed her most of my insecurities and I spent the most amazing momments with her. I cried, I laughed.

- I got vaccinated for COVID 

- I hated myself, my body, my life, I lost myself.

- I tried to end up my life and I got to see who really cared about me.

- I said goodbye to pretty amazing people that taught a lot about life and myself but could not handle me when I spoke up to defend me and my actions.

- I got into music in college but I gave up after while because I recognized that I was not okay there.

- I started a fitness project, multiple times, but since November I ve been doing this project of 10 weeks, which in 6 weeks I lost 8 lbs, out of 22 lbs. Its not the best results but they are something.

- I dreamed a lot this year but not took many actions.

- I got see what nursing is and how I would love to persue fire academy, paramedics or music instead of nursing in hospital.

- I got tendinitis on my right thumb.

- I got to represent for this new year the organization from my college.

- I got more people in my family.

- I got a room. FINNALY.

- I spent too much money.

- I built my own home studio .

- I GOT A FUCKING DRUM SET.

- I came back to the gym...twice. I gave up once because of covid.

- I got so much pain with this infections on my skin through these last few months.

- I started medication and I got dumped by my psyc. therapist. 

- I saw the president on the beach.

I learned so much about me and I still think there are so many things that I need to do to feel good and feel worth it. There is so much life ahead and so much people to meet. One thing I know for sure, this year was a living hell because it was a year of growth. I didnt enjoyed, it hurt most of the times but i m still here. Breathing, making plans, and owning them.

2022 is a year where I know already that will take me do things that I dont enjoy, meet people from the past and define what I really want in my life. 

I m ready for it. I really am.

- Blue

-

Isolation

 A few weeks from starting college, I still feel that are things that I need to do and mindsets that I need to accomplish so I can start this new journey fully committed. 

So this week I m going to leave social media and any type of internet. Yes, I will watch some Netflix and TV but only after 9 pm. I wanna feel that I get really committed and have no excuses for these projects that I have and I have always good excuses for not doing them.

In a week from now, I will give my testimony on how this mini project went.

The rules are simple:

-Don't use the internet on my phone or pc other than using to search for music or something like that;

-Use always the essential apps;

-No social media and YT(i can use it but for only fl studio tutorials);

- Avoid going to my phone as much as I can.

Now, let's write what I want to accomplish this week:

-Dieting and drinking 3L a day.

-Doing cardio 30 min every day;

- Read books;

-Work on my first song;

-Pray every day and listen to some podcasts;

- Feel good with me and break the addiction for social media.

I really want to see how can I improve psychologically and understand that our phones are really damaging our lives right under our noses.

-Blue