Sports

This is my 2nd day of the Christmas Holidays. And this last week some pretty cool and not so cool things happened.

First, we had a tournament and my team was good, not perfect but we could actually win some games and maybe get through the finals.

Before we join our first and only game one of my teammates started to laugh, saying that we were going to win since the other team had players younger than us, I immediately shush him since I believe if we get extra confident things can go off the road.

So, imagine what happened. WE LOST. He first started playing too slow, I could see he wasn't doing his best, and when we were losing by one, he was too unmotivated so basically gave up in the middle of the game. 

MEANWHILE

I was at the bench and was watching the whole game waiting patiently to substitute my mates who could be tired. I only could switch with girls and this one, in particular, she was tired. She was visibly tired, she could keep up with the other team, I was angry, I wanted to enter since I was hype, with full energy, and she was selfish like that. 

This was my last tournament, and I really wanted to give my best, I didn't and that's why I am so mad at them specially.

Otherwise, this senior year I 've been improving my volleyball technique and my teacher is my #1 fan hahah, she always understood my difficulties both physical and psychological, and even though she knows how much effort I put on her class, she always loves that I improve.

For 12 years, I would only make the lower serve, but this year I decided to try the float serve. Since I don't have much upper body strength, I found easier to learn the Jump Float serve. 

I bought a ball, I started to train the technique on my backyard and I got pretty good at it. Every day I was going there and training by myself.  

Once, during the class, we were practicing serves and I was in a good group, so I was chill and willing to try for the first time, doing the serve. I focused, I look at the ball and went for it. I made it! No, it didn´t pass the net but the technique was all there, I just needed to be more confident and attack the ball with more power. 

After that, I was happy but I notice something, my teacher, was looking at me the whole time! As soon as I ended the serve, she went after me and told me that was watching it and it was perfect. I just needed to put more effort into it but the technique was ALL there. I felt too much happiness that day that I went training more and more on the following days.

For the last months, I 've been getting perfect and perfect on it and on the last Friday, we did a mini volleyball tournament, so I got the chance to practice my serves. Again my teacher, told me that I did one serve that was really really perfect. I feel so much happy, its something boogie but when you want to achieve something that you see others doing, and u do it, it's undescribable.

During this holidays I will try me best to keep improving the serve and other more techniques. Right now, this serve is not effective, since I do it really lightly bc I try to focus on the technique and just worry if the ball passes or don't. But slowly I m getting there, and than, I will be the best that I could possibly be.

-Blue

high gay tendencies

I think like a person that likes to enjoy life, lately, I have been the gayest.

I have a neighbor, a girl, she is pretty ASF. My dog loves her's and when I talk to her I think it makes my day. She is older, I don't know exactly her age. I don´t know her name, but I do know that she isn't gay, she had a boyfriend recently. Anyway, I think she is really pretty and she lives next to my door. 

Otherwise, I have this girl in my class. She usually is with another mate of ours and during the breaks, they go somewhere so I can´t actually have a conversation with her. I love her smile, really. But the thing is, I m not a friend of her friend(the second I talk here) but I m a person who likes to joke around and kinda "tease" everyone. My life is based on comedy, and I love the way I am. However, I honestly think that the first girl thinks that I like her mate(the second). I don't at all, but when I talk to her mate I usually smile a lot bc that s who I am, and my "crush" smiles back to us as if she liked the way I talked to her friend.

This is a bit of a mess, but I don't know. I don't think we can actually say that we are in love when we don't even know the person and any details of their life. I m attracted to women right now, I don't think I am gay, I don't think it's a phase. 

I just think that I like to enjoy every moment of my life whenever my tendencies. We all should be more worried about achieving our goals and dreams, rather than to whom we like. 

-Blue

15 DAYS FOR CHRISTMAS.

yep, its getting that time of the year where the Christmas is going to be the next big event and also you gotta start to think all the plans for the new year. I have no idea, bc every single year I have new goals and usually, I don´t even try to accomplish them. But honestly, i truly think that this year is going to be the different one compared to the past 2y. I m gonna set goals, projects, and I will accomplish them. I dont know what are they but I will sleep over them and think.


Next year I will dream....dream BIG.

-Blue

Update of my life

So, I just realized that it's been almost 5 months since my last post. It's weird but somehow I forgot that in here I can be the real person I am and so, I shouldn't forget about it. 
Anyways, since July A LOT happened.

I got a dog...again hahah.
I started gym....again...
I gave up and started a million thousand projects about gym...again 😂~
I started my Senior and Final year of High School.
About the gym, I m still going, like twice a mo. but I will fix this week. About school. It's not been easy, because this year I have much more free time I just procrastinate a lot, like, a lot. So that made me lose time where I could study and get better grades, however, I have been able to keep up with all the things I have to do, and right now, everything it's coming together to the right places.

´bout my future...I just don't know.

At least to the nursing school, I have the guarantee that I m going but I wanna do more than that. I wanted to become an artist but the thing is I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. I just keep playing safe and living every single day like a normal person with a normal future does. I just have so much time, WHY DO I KEEP WASTING IT ON YT AND NOT PRACTICING TO POST COVERS ON YT?????????????????????????
have no idea.

Anyway, in school I am actually thinking in doing the impossible, and repeat my exam from last year to see if I can go to med school. I have no idea if I will get anything from it other than a HUGE headache but I feel that I would blame myself for the rest of my life if I didn't even try when I got the chance. as i already do about music. I feel that my time went over and know I don't have more opportunities to become someone that I want.

-Blue

1º Birthday

So 2 weeks ago, this blog completed 1 year!!

What the fuck, a year never flew so fast. At the end, I was just trying to fill my day, my loneliness.
Now I just feel that this was more than that, It was also a therapy for me. It was a tool so I could figure it out what was happening to me. My whole idea digital notebook.
I am glad I did it. Cause this was a year that happened a lot and I won´t forget  ever.

happy birthday me :)

-Blue

Updating on my life

It's been a while since the last time I wrote something. Actually, I did it once but some error happen and everything were erase.

So in the last  3 months, a lot happens.

April ended and I had Easter vacations but it was all filled with studying to my final exams.
When I got back to school again I went on a trip with my class to a place where you did a lot of activities, under rain cause the weather was not by our side that day, including one that I was most scared off because I have height fears. but I did it anyway.

After that, the last month on the school was hard cause you are under a lot of pressure because of the tests PLUS the exams PLUS your final grades. It was a lot going on.
When I ended everything up, I actually did it! I finished with awesome grades, even though the last 6 month were awful because I was lacking motivation.

So 2 weeks later with intense studying, I did my first exam. I was scared. In the end, I was sure that I couldn't finish it up on time. But, even though, I didn't mind if I could have an extra 30 min, I did everything I could and gave my best to it. A week ago, I did my 2nd exam. I was so relaxed this time that I finished earlier and I did my BEST EXAM EVER. At the end, I am going to get good marks.

now... SUMMERTIME.

I am happy that I can finally relax. This seems impossible. I am so anxious to get the results. I still have the fear that I ended up doing a mistake on the paper so the teacher has to give me zero. Probably it's just my overthinking side trying to destroy my vacations side on the brain hahaha.

Well, after 5 long months studying. I can say...it´s true. No pain, No gain.

-Blue

Dream slowly

So, I m studying for my boards. I m on vacations but because of my exams I have to study all day long.

In other years, I would be playing, singing, doing nothing every day but time has changed.
Now I have to study things that I won't use for the rest of my life. Things useless but the state says.. "It's important"

Plus, I m exciting... I m actually trying to find someone to help me open up a "Glee Club" in my school next year.
Next year I m a senior so I need to do what I would like right now. I can't waste time anymore!

It's going to be hard, but Still, I have to at least, give it a try

-Blue

Huh

I m just so fucking depressed right now jesus
I dont want to study, I m always eating, I m always stressed
Today I was an object so my colleagues could joke and laugh at me
I dont have anyone by my side who I can count with... Nothing
I wished everything was simple
I just want to give up on everything and persue my passion
I want to give up in here... Moving on in another country with another life and working on what really matters and not studying stones and that shit

I just wished that God could help me right now and give the opportunity i m waiting for ... Not after, not in weeks.... Right now

Struggles

Probably I m passing through, one of the roughest moments in my life.

I m having success, and finally i could identify those toxic friends who become upset because of it. I had this friend in my class that it used to be cool to me but since she knew that I had better grades compared with her, she stopped to talk to me, plus, she made other people become against me

I mean. They stopped talk to me the way they used too, I m the kind of person who loves to joke around and now they just take everything very personal... Its not the same anymore.

And the worst of it, is that this girl also started to step away a friend of mine that was to much special for me and she neither seems to care or understand and see what's happening right in front of her eyes.

After all this, there are some friends that i met in the last summer and either they don't seem that want to suuport me and my future

I feel lonely every day. I feel unmotivated, depressed, i dont have anything that will make me glow up again because if i do, everyday i will face the same 0eople, the reasons why i m like tgis and that will make me go down again.

Right now, i m studying to my exams just because i need to and i m focusing in ky music. I still have the dream inside of me
I still have the light right here inside

I wished GOD could give me the opportunity to bexome the singervand artist I always wished to be
I could just disappear from this uncomfortable zone and make me experience the dream.

Blue

Kind act

So, today when I was walking down the street with my dog, I saw a homeless guy sitting in the rocks and I was always watching him trying to cover my identity. Then I saw that the few people who passed by him, didn't even say Hi to him and it made me think that we don't know how lucky we are until we get into that situation as well..

After 5 min, I saw him getting some "grass" out of his pocket and doing a cigarrete... I was really concerned if it were drugs or just cigarettes but the heartbeat started to get higher. Until I decided that I wanted to help, so I approached him and told him if he needed something... And he denied. I tried to understand why he was in that situation but he didn't say.  The only thing I could offer to him it was food but he didn't want. So after some time trying to help and after he denied everything, I took off and went home.

I still think if I could have done something else, but I was so scared that he could have done something to me or my dog in a road that at that time no one was passing by and would hear me scream if I did, I just wanted to play safe.

I tried to help because I was always thinking that I want to be someone who act differently than the society do. That kind of acts which reason is do good for other. I kinda wanna stand out in the community and I wanna be different in order to build up a better society in the future.
So I thought, today is this guy  who are in this situation but tomorrow it could be me and I wished that I could have someone that stood out and wanted to help me eve thought if it were just for listening myself and my story.

-Blue

Let it go

This girl, who used to be one of my greatest friend last year, because her best friend moved into our class she just stopped talking to me and she just ignores me. She is that kind of toxic friend that you know she isn't the best influence but both of you are so understandable with each other that you just carrie on with things.

But now I can see what my mom always told me about her, I m still thinking if she always used me just to have "someone" until her best friend were with her.

But the worse right now is that I met this new girl who I thought really nice and at the beginning it was just me and her and a friend of mine, but now that this girl is so important to me.. The first girl I talked in here, just started to approach her to her life and now I think this girl I met is so much away from me and I basically "lost" her for someone who uses people and is mean as hell but unfortunately I m the one who see s it.

I m just so done with her, and besides that,  others friends who I thought they were happy for me, they just don't care for the things I do today for my future.

I m feeling so much alone this days and that's why I m using so much music to express what I have inside of me. I do covers so I can scream out loud what I feel to others.

-Blue

Sick of Friends

All of my life I didn't care to much about my friend's friend. But as much as I ve growing up I became less naive and started to see the real and truth picture about things and one of the things I would rather not be it was being jealous when it s about friendships.
Due to wanting to be in "the center of everything" I have become more jealous about my friends and I really get mad when they go to somewhere and don't invite me or something.

This is only for being jealous? No! I know that my friends are not the best ones but until I got into university they are all what I have.

So today, 4 friends of mine went to somewhere after school, I saw it and also other people from the group saw and we all asked where did they went. And I m really upset cause I m more "friend" of some of them than one there and still I wasn't invited.

I don't know why, but I don't know what to do... It seems that the girls only want friendships with skinny girl than other that have an extra pound or wear a extra size.

I m just so fucking upset and sad and this sound crazy but that s what I m feeling. I feel lonely, I feel betrayed, I feel depressed and don't have no one to talk with me

I m dying inside and I don't know what to do next.

-Blue

New experiences

So, for a long long time I wanted to get a tattoo. I always saw people getting and also my sister getting piercings but, and incredibly, I ve been excited to do tattoos and I can say that probably I would never do a piercing in my life.
So after years and years thinking when it would be done my first tattoo, finally the right moment arrived. I m 16 so I got into an age that I want to try out everything and have all kinda of experiences.

I knew that 99,9% of the teens getting tattoos at this age will regret it later but I since I was little I ve been different. That's why it took me almost. A whole year to decide what to do and where in my body so I m sure that will not affect my future life when it's about getting a job.

After all this time, yesterday, I finally did it. I m going to be honest, until I was laying down to do it I was not scared or anxious or anything I was pretty chill. But after that I honestly started to think if it was a good idea or not and even if I knew that was something that eventually I was going to do it because it's been one of my biggest wishes ever.

First feelings, It was lightly painful and I even thought in why people don't get tattoos but when the part of the bone become I was really ready to get out and leave. I never felt so much pain as I felt, specially because it was next to the ear so the noise from the tattoo machine it was the most scary thing. But even if it was the worst part and pain I ve ever felt it was supportable enough to do it and honestly I m thinking in doing my next one.

Life is made from experiences and we have to get as many as we can and that's why this week I m going to have another one and getting done my eyebrows for the first time.

One thing that I ve learned in life is that there aren't perfect time or the right moment. I prefer doing it as faster as we can rather than our life suddenly overs and we might regret for something we haven't done.

-Blue

Tiredness

So... It's been 1 week and half since 2019 begun and I m feeling soo tired.
I m studying a lot to try to increase my marks the best I can so my life it's been always... Study and study and study.

I m also pretty addicted to Glee series and its been pretty cool specially with my fav character Santana.

Well, I think I gotta rest cause tomorrow is a new day.

-Blue