It's been a couple of days since my last post. I don't think I've spent that much time writing what basically I was feeling. 2 hours that for sure made me think about lots of things, but mainly made some of my wounds heal, not all of them as I wished but, some, and that's okay.
I knew I was hurting, but I never thought that I would be so bad like that. I had never put so much effort to hold up the tears and be strong. Do you know the feeling when your mind just makes your cry uncontrollably but still you fight to keep the tears inside that that makes your throat hurt? Well, that's how I was. I still don't know if I made the best decision, to not cry. It's impressive the powerful of crying. It heals you emotionally in a way that it's even magical. I never had a problem with crying, but I have to think that I need to cry for something that its worthy to cry for.
Talking about what I m feeling right now. I just don't know, Lately, I have been thinking a lot in God and more and more I have been wanting to follow Him, and actually, when I need some help emotionally, I go ask for advice to the pastors from Church Home and they help me a lot. I think, from the moment I was hurting this much and got to a breakpoint I started to look a lot to my life and how I m spending it.
I realized that I've been taking too much time out of my free time to think about the future and dream instead of actually doing something. Plus, with the idea of running away or even worst, having suicidal thoughts, made me want to take risks. I think bc I m watching The 100 and Octavia and all those badass characters gave me the strength to fight a little bit more. I decided that I want to realize one of my dreams, go skydiving, and if I liked it even do a course so I could do skydiving alone, in other countries when I traveled. Since I don't have the money for it yet, it will take maybe another year, but that's something that I've been really excited about.
Once I saw a post saying: "When you are thinking about killing yourself, you don't want to kill yourself, you want to kill something inside of you". I never thought that a sentence had the power to my life. In fact, every day when I consider that option, I never have the completely sure of it and actually, I know I don't want to do it, bc I want to do so many things in my life yet. It's incredible when you find something that it's obvious but when transform into words make all the difference. From that moment on, Every time I consider even that possibility, that post comes to my mind and immediately I realize that I don't want to do it, I just want to make that particularly feeling go away. I just want to heal. By realizing what the problem is, I can work directly in the source of the problem to make it disappear and make me feel better.
Unfortunately, I still feel a little sad and stressed with everything I've been through, and yesterday something happened that made me realize even more the source of the problem. This last year, with quarantine I have been doing lots of weight loss projects since I m starting college in a few weeks and I wanted to enter having confidence in myself and my own skin, and for that, I felt that I needed to lose weight. Food had become one of the tools that I use as an excuse for being bored or not wanting to start something, like music. I don't know why, but every day I wake up feeling that I m going to start making the music but then I ended up in the final of the day, saying "Tomorrow is really going to happen"...and keeps on a cycle... And with that made eat more because If I m eating than I have an excuse for not working on my music. It's like I m afraid of starting, of taking the first step. It won't hurt, but I think in my subconscious I m afraid of failing, so I just keep avoiding, so I won't be hurting that much. as if I would If I tried and failed.
Anyways, bc of my relationship with food, I've been not losing the weight that I wanted. Yesterday I went to the mall to buy new clothes for college. I was really excited about an outfit that I saw online. When I enter the store, went to the fitting room. The set didn't look good on me cause my legs and tights are thick, big. I felt defeated at that moment. Then I tried some pants that I liked it, again, I didn't feel good on it. I honestly felt really sad. Then I went to another store and I tried some pants that I wanted to buy and didn't fit me again...another store and they didn't have my number... another store, they had my number but the pants were too long and I m only 5ft3, so I m not that tall so I look bigger than probably someone with the same BF but taller. While I was waiting to enter the fitting room, for the first time in my life I experienced anxiety from being in public. I never understood why people felt like everyone was looking at them but now I do. I felt the smallest person in the world. I felt everyone was judging me, looking at me. I tried another outfit and didn't fit me, again. I hold up my tears so hard that I don't even know how I didn't have a breakdown at that moment. I guess when you try to be strong to many times you suddenly start to be good at it.
Everything got worse when I was in this store with my mom. She was already pissed cause she wanted me to try some clothes but I didn't cause 1. They were not my style .2. I didn't wanna go to the fitting room again and realize how fat I am and how nothing fits me, literally. Then she wanted for me to try some pants that I liked but this store, bc of covid , had their fitting rooms temporarily shut. So my mom told me to try the pants anyways in the corner of the store. The thing is that she speaks loud without even realizing so I told her to be quiet cause she was too loud. She immediately raises her voice even louder and tells me that I can't tell her to be quiet in a threatening way. Everyone around us started to look at me and immediately I wanted to just leave. I realized that one of the sources of feeling some of the things that I feel is my mom. She doesn't realize what I've been through. Her values and principles are not like mine. She sacrificed a lot, as a single mother, for me and my siblings to have the best she could give us. But now I realize that because she was trying to give us the best things and the best conditions, we weren't loved as a child should be. We were forced to grow faster than other kids and we were raised based on the authority and not love. I think that's why talking about feelings and emotions is a tabu in our house. Even though all of this, yes, my mom was born in a different era and it is impossible for her to have the same values as me and understand the concept of mental health, that's why she doesn't understand what I feel with my body image and how her words affect me and my well being. Unfortunately, I feel that I can't speak to her about this theme, and any other actually.
I'll never blame my mom for not giving what we needed the most. It's not her fault. She used all the time she had for us and herself to work and make sure we had everything like the other kids with 2 parents, even if that meant making some uncurable wounds in not only her kids but herself too. I know she did her best at the end of the day. That's why I try my best to keep everything inside and not explode with her cause I would be saying thing that later I would regret, and there is no other thing that can hurt more than words do. Sometimes what we are feeling can make us feel good at the moment for saying them but then make us regret later. Sometimes what we feel doesn't match what is right.
So I bared it so she doesn't have to. My relationship with my mom and my sibling is not like it was 1 year ago. Mostly because of me and my decision of wanting to make people respect me, fight for my causes, and follow my principles even if that would cost the relationships that I had in my life with them and which they are the most important of my life. Now I see how different we are from each other and how they can make me feel good but also the worse. Honestly, I don't see any future in our relationship. I will help my mom when she needs it but I just feel that every day we are losing ourselves more and more and eventually, one day we won't be feeling anything for each other. That breaks my heart. Everyone can change. Even if I believe that too much damage was made already in every single one of us, I will stick to my motto and have faith.
-Blue
