Honestly, i don't know why I am coming back here.
I journal, I talk with people, I talk and I am everything everyone is expecting, but the only place where I can be myself is here.
I feel the freedom here....behind a screen...under a name that is unrecognizable.
Probably I won't ever show this blog to anyone besides me, myself and God....but today i felt the urge to come here to journal.
I am on my last month of nursing school and I couldn't be more proud of who I became, how I became and what I lived throughout these amazing and intense 5 years. Even thought I am excited for this new season, I have been feeling the most depressive and lost I have ever been in the last few months. I don't know why it started...and even though I have been feeling proud of myself since I haven't m.stb. in awhile, still it doesn't feel like a victory since I am far away from God....
The more I am next to people from "the world" such as my workplace aka internship, the more I get influenced by them and it is so exausting to be always against the ways of the world. It drains you being always in a spiritual war with other's people spirit. I haven't done a proper bible study i believe in like a month.
Also, I am super frustrated at myself because it's summer time and ONCE AGAIN...for the fifth year ... I am carrying a body that I don't love, that I truly tried to change but I can't. This aligned to the fact that i have been feeling under pressure by myself since I don't know why, I feel like I am always searching for "the one". I have been doing my sabbath year and it has been really really good, but I though by far I would be in a different place in my life. Instead I am still 88kg, like someone that don't like me back. I don't feel comfortable being myself and keep wanting to be a people's pleasure.
I truly feel so ashamed of myself that I feel unworthy to even be called a child of god or to be next to him. I know this is what satan wants for us...be away from his presence, even tho. is what gives us the strenght to keep going.
I have 124 days until I turn 23....I WANT TO BE A DIFFERENT KIND OF 23 Y/O GIRL.
How to do it?
BE NEXT TO GOD. Just that simple. What pleases him, I want to be pleased doing it. What he values, I want to value. What he choses, I want to chose.
For the following 38 days I will have a goal ... get down to 79kg by 4th of July...the freedom date.
JESUS TAKE ME HOME!
- BLUE
