Yap, it's been 4 months... again... since my last update.
Idk what is up with me this year, I just have been so intrusive. I m trying to fight my own demons inside and trying to deal with them by myself instead of doing what this blog has the purpose on and that is, talk about what I m dealing with. This year it's been so much different that I don't know where to start or what today. This year might be best in some aspects of my life, but the worst in many others.
I think I should start from the point I was in April when I posted my last update.
May was a weird month. The world turned upside down with the events that happened with George Floyd. All the Black Lives Matters Movement, made everyone stick together as a nation but also getting to know the worst that we have in our world. Racism is present all over the world in many ways. In the way we see, the way we think and in the way we act. Without realizing we follow a pattern that we learned since the moment we were born.
I had an experience that month that made me realize how messed up this world is and made me realize how a single act can turn our point of view, without us wishing that to happen
I was walking my dog. and passed right next to 2 black guys and they looked at me. After some minutes, I realized they started running towards me. I found it weird but I was always thinking that I cannot let the skin of their color change my mind and believe they were going to do something to be just because they looked suspicious. I always defended racism and I would stand up to someone who was being attacked by race meanings, so I tried to be different and fight towards my guts and believe they were not a threat. My guts were right after I turned to a street full of people, they looked at me and fast they kept going and get back to the place they were sitting the moment they saw me initially.
It's ridiculous, but after this experience, I got so much afraid of black people that dressed like them or acted like them. The following weeks, were a nightmare. When I went walking my dog again, I was afraid of every corner, every black person. Everyone looked like them. I was feeling anxious, having panic attacks, sweating. I did not only felt unsafe in my own hometown where I grow up for the last 18 years but I was also ashamed of myself bc the only bad experience I had with black people, it was so powerful that changed a belief that I had built for the last 17 years. With this experience came doubts. Came the feeling of pressure, the feeling of disorientation. In my head I had only one question: "Why are this people around the world fighting for justice and for their rights, and then people of their own ethnic do stuff like this and maybe the next day, they go to a parade and complain that they don't have rights?". I know, I should be asking the same question for white serial killers and rapists and everything. But this question made me awake for days. I couldn't figure out an answer. I still can't.
June came, I was still struggling, but getting better every day. I was feeling more and more pressure and my finals were closed. I kept giving my best, I did my best. I got to say goodbye to my class. Either to the people, I have been around for the last 3 years, either to those who were with me for the last 6 years and even 12 years. However, I didn't go to what it was my final day of high school. I felt that I have already said goodbye to my school. I think it would be worse If I went to the official last day. I was feeling the need to move on and that was the way I thought it was the best at that moment. My last memories were made out of joy and not tears. In my last Zoom call with my full class, I looked at every single one of them and I could say goodbye to everyone silently. All the good memories I had on my head and no one could take them from me anymore.
July has finally arrived. My finals were taken. I had a good mark, I think I could get better but, we can always do. It was enough anyway, so I was good. I started working out, feeling my body changed. But not for too long.
August started and everything started being worse. My mom started her holidays so she stayed more time at home. It's cool to have her more around but that means, both of us that have a strong personality, we will eventually fight more and argue more. My diet was messed up, My schedule was messed up. My priorities were switched up. In fact, I realized that I got to a point that, I adapted. I realized I felt better being alone, by myself. I could figure it out more when I was alone.
Otherwise, when I m around her, she always gives this talk that I'll become an excellent nurse. I'll be successful with it. Especially this last month that I applied to nursing school and she knows I have really good grades and for sure I will join in. I try to understand her. I try to don't judge her, don't sound ungrateful. But is it bad that I feel so bad about my success and praying to not enter? I got to a point where I try to not look excited with anything about nursing cause even If I do, my mom will believe that this dream of mine is just a phase and I m wrong. She always thinks that I m still this little girl that doesn't know how to do things. She prefers making jokes saying that I m still a baby because I don't feel comfortable doing some stuff that persons with my age, do it daily instead of supporting me and giving me the strength to actually do it. I'm tired.
Becoming a nurse takes so much time our of mine that I know I won't be able to give everything I want to make music. To pursue my dreams. I also feel that I m not good enough to become one either. I have all this gear that I bought and still, I haven't use it properly to do even one song. Not because I don't have the knowledge, nowadays we have so much info online that that is a really bad excuse.
I feel stuck and I m watching the clock running. I feel stuck between a career that everyone is excited for me to take and a career that is my DREAM to take but I m so afraid to battle on my own. After so many years listening to my sister saying I m not good enough, and my mom not believing in mt talent and that this is what I REALLY want. You start to believe in them. You start to believe that you can't be better and achieve what others have, you believe it's impossible too. Bc at the end of the day, you believe that only other people have the right to achieve their dreams. You don't. Every mistake you made, you are now taking the price of them. I either want to achieve what I want, but my fear is strong. I m afraid to fail even if I try. I m afraid to get out of my comfort zone. For all the judging, being vulnerable for all that judgment, especially by people that I know and I love. It's easier for people to believe in us when we achieve something, but right now I m in a hole with only one hand to pull me out, my only friend's hand that believes in me, but still. Do I want to get out of here or not? I don't feel strong to fight anyone that tells me no. I m not strong enough to try till I die. But the vision of being unhappy in the future is even scarier. And no one notices me. Not my mother who has been a victim of the effects of depression by my dad's experience. No one sees me. No one understands me. Everyone is so excited for me and I'm not. They don't believe in me, Neither Do I.
Sometimes I wished my dad was here. Sometimes I feel the consequences of not having a male figure around. My mom did everything she could and her best, but the truth is there are values, believes that I need to get around me. A hug that I don't get for almost a year. I need to feel the love like I used to feel when I was little and feel the warmth of her arms during her snuggles. Because of my dad's situation, I was raised inside of shelter full of love and protection bc I was the little. When you grow up, people think that you don't need that anymore. What they don't know is that I m still the same little girl looking for answers of what went wrong and scared of the darkness, of the unknown.
Inside of a playful attitude, a smily attitude, and a peaceful mind as it is shown, there is a girl full of bruises and being eaten inside by her own demons, doubt, fear, past, mistakes. In the last years, I've been transforming myself. I grow up and started to follow what I wanted and not what people used to say. From my mom trying to control what I do to me struggling with all these different emotions, I have become what I didn't want. A person that is not true to herself and keeps living in a reality that she makes up in her head every day and night. In fact, it's actually better to imagine than make it happen. You don't get hurt, you don't get judge. The bad of it is that you actually stop living your life and limit following what is easier to follow, the path that others have built for you.
I got to a point where my only wish was run away. Pack my stuff and one day, run. Without telling anyone and leave. Start again in another country, a new identity, a new story. I m struggling really bad, part of it because the people I m surrounded every day. I think because I was born in an environment where being really sad or even depressed is a "phase" for my relatives or a way for them to joke with it. More and more I realize the importance of value our emotions and not being afraid of them. I realized over the past few years that being true to ourselves and to what we feel and share that to others, will only help not only us but everyone around us to understand us, to deal with us, to know how to live around us. I feel that I'm so much different from the people I live with and from the environment that I was raised on and everything that was taught to me. I got to a point where I don't know if I should hide my true identity and go on with the trends, or if I should show my true colors with the high risk of pushing everyone away because I don't feel anyone is like me or even understands me. However, Let's face it, I would not have the same opportunities I would if I stayed here. The best option for me right now stays here. Keep tryin' to depend on god and learn how to do it, and fight alone- Hiding my emotions until one day I get help to get rid of them inside of me. Until then, the closest way to have privacy and still share my feelings is here and only here.
-Blue
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